Colloidal, temporary, and effusive
It’s in your eyes
Dangerous in deep brown.
And it’s down
Baked into the earth it’s dry and cracking
My throat is empty of words and instead constricts.
Rough and stripped.
I miss your mouth.
I miss your breath.
The pedant, the scholar, the sage, and the stars in your eyes.
With pink lips.
Rolled petals in a rainstorm.
Moving urgently, shifting madly
in the heavy wind.
You have secrets. Stored up like acorns and buried without a map.
And I have mine.
Held close to me, stuffed like unsent letters between the bones of my rib cage.
I never said I love you.
And those missives will stay sealed in my chest.
I’ll burn them when the nights get cold.
As I remember your eyes glittering in firelight.
I love you
I love you
I love you
They’ll say, in strips of ash before burning away in the dark.

Sandy Lane

Forever under doubt and cloudy skies
There are portents lying down this sandy lane
Enough to build a monument to memory and warning
Collecting along the way
Seashells in the road enough to scrape your heels
Fear amongst the living
Is held up in heat and confusion
In heavy rains that swell the air
And sun enough to choke the breath from from straining lungs
No doubt rises high over land
While sea air breezes across the sand enough to shift the questions to sea grass
Wheat colored on a pale blue day.
One may walk this row between the houses to the seashore
And fear, she pulls behind like reins.
Watch your step.
Bend your ear.
The waves will silence the sound.

The Moment my Heart Stood Still


Did you ever think I felt lonely?

Wrapped up tight against a full snow

white enough to blind and bury.

And cold.
Did you ever stop to ask why

I recoil when you say my name-

When you are kind?
When you think of me?
I don’t know what we are anymore

Who I am to you.

Do you even give a single shit about what I want, or who I am?

Do you know how unhappy I am?

How loneliness has skirted these halls

and climbed the walls outside your bedroom door?

I want to forgive you.

I want to move on.

But you have broken my heart

and obliterated the pieces.

You who said you’d always be there

then in one swift move let someone else nearly end you

Someone who didn’t even know you.

Someone who didn’t sleep outside the door

on those cold nights when you were afraid to be alone

Someone who didn’t stand up when the question was asked-

when it fucking mattered- and left me there


But boy did I fucking learn.

But what’s left? I am still angry all the time.

I am still hurt, because this cut didn’t just slice through you- it caught everyone else around you

It tore through…

It tore through me.

And as much as I want to let go…

you keep saying “go on, be strong…”

But what happens if we all end here again?

With 15 years of friendship and love pinned against a moment.
People said I was strong.

People said I did right.

But I don’t care.

Because I am sick of being strong.
I want someone to hold me close and let me break open-

instead of being in constant fear

with a constant wall.

And if I can’t be with someone…

then let me be alone in it completely.

Let me be my own advocate.

Let me be my own selfish fool.

Let me leave and look back later.
Let me build and write and remember.

And stop hurting all the time.

Because in this?
I can forgive you anything- but I will never ever forgive him.

But alas… it does me no good to hold onto it for any length of time. That knife turned inward is just as powerful as the one you wielded- but now it’s mine. But what I do know now is that life is short- too short for so much pain.

I know now in all of this I also fell in love with the one who would listen.

Who heard me in parts- who I saw in all his trying the same attempt in my own hands to let go

and learn

and move forward.

And maybe his siren song of flight and no consequence seduced me

But even that is over in its own way now.
Oh god… show me a way to let go. To be solid. To hurt less. To forgive…

To let myself be whatever I am.
But right now? All I feel is hurt.

I feel like I keep losing everything over and over and over again.


All I feel is this emptiness in the pit of my stomach where all these things used to be. Where I used to sit solid in my own truth. But instead I don’t know what any of it is anymore.

And I feel like I am being a shitty friend. Because I am. Because I have so many tears that want to rip through me, that my throat hurts. Days of sobbing in parked cars and unspent tears held back that tasted like bitterness coated with fear.

Where did I go?

Why are these tears so consistent?

What am I supposed to do?

Where am I supposed to go?
God help me please. Tell me. Tell me what to do. I don’t want to feel alone anymore.

Under the door


I want to live as the spider under the door frame of a dark room.

Night at my back. Illumination under the threshold.

I want to live in a world where the hope of the next is just as relevant

as the darkness behind.

I want to crawl unsuspecting without barriers between the space.

I want to be unrecognized until I step into sunlight.

This is what it feels like to love you


You’re a white room

on a dark night


no window in sight


You’re a golden pillow on the floor

no door.


You’re the white noise

of an indoor fan

The constant thrum

and a distant drum


-the water stuck in the bottom of a watering can


You’re the laugh

dancing over the movie credits

the sound on the other side

of the highway walls.


and the feeling when my mother calls


You’re the secret dance in a hallway bathroom

the dust bunnies in the living room


You’re the sign of life

in a sideways glance

You’re the click of high heels

outside the dance


the filter on a cigarette

the half eaten sandwich I won’t regret


The kiss in shadow that never was

the unsent message of “just because”

the moment lost looking at a bent knee

the space between silence and maybe.


You’re the heady scent of a smoked cigar

the first time sitting in a strangers car


the weave of cotton on an autumn night

the burnt cup of coffee 4am

The sound of rain on a humid day

and the shirt that never fit right.


You’re the face I see in darkness

Before I close my eyes

the shifting curtains

and lumpy pillows

and the sheet draped over my thighs


You’re the chicken wire in one part of the yard

and wheels crunching over gravel

the way the sun beats down too much

and that one corner always in shadow


You’re the grip between my chest and my spine

and the rumble deep within

the reason why I couldn’t stop thinking

of you when I was with him


You’re the dream where I’m screaming

and the one where I’m fine

the one inside my head

you’re the unspoken words

and the unwritten poem

and the spectre near my bed.


You’re the moment I opened my mouth too much-

the secret bubbling to the top

And you’re the constant persistent insistent knock

at the door that just won’t stop.

Mountain Climbing


There is an azure line rising along the horizon

Cutting deeply through the skyline

I find the image lost along a slope of forever changing outcomes

the white line towards heaven changes

And I realize there were never mountains to begin with

Just clouds playing a masquerade with the earth.

I’ll keep saying I’m going to climb the mountain anyway.

and I’ll chase it until the upper atmosphere burns it away.



I want to be joy

and love

and loving

soft wings on a dove above the world.

I want to be arms wide dancing on a street corner

long hair

strong will


and kind

But I want to be brutal

and coarse

and wary.

Because I don’t know what’s real anymore.

Is it just this?

Long line of life of scenarios that play out over and over again.

I am tipping forward.

Leaning into the next

But shadows dance to one side and the truth is lost in the fray

I’m not sure what’s true anymore.

Someone once said I glow

and someone else said I was awesome.

and another said they loved me

and another said I was their best friend

and a savior

and a good candidate for a mother

and once I said I wanted children

and once I said I didn’t

And once I said always

and once I said never

Once I was honest

and once I was cruel

Once I said I loved you and didn’t mean it

and once I didn’t say it because I really did.

I feel heartache and guilt

and vindication and hope

I feel strong and full of promise

but defeated and lost

I listen to morose music and think of you

and run like mad and don’t

I look at the fissure in my life and know what to do

But I don’t want to.

Because I don’t know if I should

And everyone who ever said what I should do was wrong

and someone I used to be was too.

So instead it’s this. Two brittle visions of myself circle and heckle eachother
One will do this

One will not do this

and somehow I don’t and will

And somewhere in the middle there’s an answer.

Somewhere someone said “You can’t live your life for someone else”

And someone said “Can’t you?”

I found the anchor keeping the ship at the dock and am reeling it in.

But it’s a long rope.

And I know this shore.




Your name lodged in the back of my throat

and I cannot say I know this is love.

I can only say I know my head swims

and my throat hurts

and my eyes burn

and my chest feels torn apart.

Most of all I know this is hyperbolic.

But this is withdrawal.
This is emptying out the poison and processing it in my blood.

You are a member of the chemicals in my system

you exist as liquid in tandem with all the opiates I’ve ever known

You are the drug I cannot seem to understand

but I have quit a thousand times.

In a day I will know this is wrong. That you are dangerous and cruel and distort everything.

But the high?

You LIVE in my skin when I’m near you whether or not you know.

You dive below my surface because the gates are open and I’ve found the open vein to inject you in.

I finally understand this.

You are the opiate of this mass.

But you are just the taste. The free sample. Because the more I take the further from life I become. The further from myself and truth and understanding I get… all while thinking it’s true.

And at the end of the day I don’t know if you’re the darkness or the light.

If I’m the dealer or if you are.

Because once hooked, what then?

When I can’t come back without rehab or intercession by god… what then?

What is the cost of you?