Did you ever think I felt lonely?
Wrapped up tight against a full snow
white enough to blind and bury.
Did you ever stop to ask why
I recoil when you say my name-
When you are kind?
When you think of me?
I don’t know what we are anymore
Who I am to you.
Do you even give a single shit about what I want, or who I am?
Do you know how unhappy I am?
How loneliness has skirted these halls
and climbed the walls outside your bedroom door?
I want to forgive you.
I want to move on.
But you have broken my heart
and obliterated the pieces.
You who said you’d always be there
then in one swift move let someone else nearly end you
Someone who didn’t even know you.
Someone who didn’t sleep outside the door
on those cold nights when you were afraid to be alone
Someone who didn’t stand up when the question was asked-
when it fucking mattered- and left me there
But boy did I fucking learn.
But what’s left? I am still angry all the time.
I am still hurt, because this cut didn’t just slice through you- it caught everyone else around you
It tore through…
It tore through me.
And as much as I want to let go…
you keep saying “go on, be strong…”
But what happens if we all end here again?
With 15 years of friendship and love pinned against a moment.
People said I was strong.
People said I did right.
But I don’t care.
Because I am sick of being strong.
I want someone to hold me close and let me break open-
instead of being in constant fear
with a constant wall.
And if I can’t be with someone…
then let me be alone in it completely.
Let me be my own advocate.
Let me be my own selfish fool.
Let me leave and look back later.
Let me build and write and remember.
And stop hurting all the time.
Because in this?
I can forgive you anything- but I will never ever forgive him.
But alas… it does me no good to hold onto it for any length of time. That knife turned inward is just as powerful as the one you wielded- but now it’s mine. But what I do know now is that life is short- too short for so much pain.
I know now in all of this I also fell in love with the one who would listen.
Who heard me in parts- who I saw in all his trying the same attempt in my own hands to let go
and move forward.
And maybe his siren song of flight and no consequence seduced me
But even that is over in its own way now.
Oh god… show me a way to let go. To be solid. To hurt less. To forgive…
To let myself be whatever I am.
But right now? All I feel is hurt.
I feel like I keep losing everything over and over and over again.
All I feel is this emptiness in the pit of my stomach where all these things used to be. Where I used to sit solid in my own truth. But instead I don’t know what any of it is anymore.
And I feel like I am being a shitty friend. Because I am. Because I have so many tears that want to rip through me, that my throat hurts. Days of sobbing in parked cars and unspent tears held back that tasted like bitterness coated with fear.
Where did I go?
Why are these tears so consistent?
What am I supposed to do?
Where am I supposed to go?
God help me please. Tell me. Tell me what to do. I don’t want to feel alone anymore.
I want to live as the spider under the door frame of a dark room.
Night at my back. Illumination under the threshold.
I want to live in a world where the hope of the next is just as relevant
as the darkness behind.
I want to crawl unsuspecting without barriers between the space.
I want to be unrecognized until I step into sunlight.
You’re a white room
on a dark night
no window in sight
You’re a golden pillow on the floor
You’re the white noise
of an indoor fan
The constant thrum
and a distant drum
-the water stuck in the bottom of a watering can
You’re the laugh
dancing over the movie credits
the sound on the other side
of the highway walls.
and the feeling when my mother calls
You’re the secret dance in a hallway bathroom
the dust bunnies in the living room
You’re the sign of life
in a sideways glance
You’re the click of high heels
outside the dance
the filter on a cigarette
the half eaten sandwich I won’t regret
The kiss in shadow that never was
the unsent message of “just because”
the moment lost looking at a bent knee
the space between silence and maybe.
You’re the heady scent of a smoked cigar
the first time sitting in a strangers car
the weave of cotton on an autumn night
the burnt cup of coffee 4am
The sound of rain on a humid day
and the shirt that never fit right.
You’re the face I see in darkness
Before I close my eyes
the shifting curtains
and lumpy pillows
and the sheet draped over my thighs
You’re the chicken wire in one part of the yard
and wheels crunching over gravel
the way the sun beats down too much
and that one corner always in shadow
You’re the grip between my chest and my spine
and the rumble deep within
the reason why I couldn’t stop thinking
of you when I was with him
You’re the dream where I’m screaming
and the one where I’m fine
the one inside my head
you’re the unspoken words
and the unwritten poem
and the spectre near my bed.
You’re the moment I opened my mouth too much-
the secret bubbling to the top
And you’re the constant persistent insistent knock
at the door that just won’t stop.
There is an azure line rising along the horizon
Cutting deeply through the skyline
I find the image lost along a slope of forever changing outcomes
the white line towards heaven changes
And I realize there were never mountains to begin with
Just clouds playing a masquerade with the earth.
I’ll keep saying I’m going to climb the mountain anyway.
and I’ll chase it until the upper atmosphere burns it away.
I want to be joy
soft wings on a dove above the world.
I want to be arms wide dancing on a street corner
But I want to be brutal
Because I don’t know what’s real anymore.
Is it just this?
Long line of life of scenarios that play out over and over again.
I am tipping forward.
Leaning into the next
But shadows dance to one side and the truth is lost in the fray
I’m not sure what’s true anymore.
Someone once said I glow
and someone else said I was awesome.
and another said they loved me
and another said I was their best friend
and a savior
and a good candidate for a mother
and once I said I wanted children
and once I said I didn’t
And once I said always
and once I said never
Once I was honest
and once I was cruel
Once I said I loved you and didn’t mean it
and once I didn’t say it because I really did.
I feel heartache and guilt
and vindication and hope
I feel strong and full of promise
but defeated and lost
I listen to morose music and think of you
and run like mad and don’t
I look at the fissure in my life and know what to do
But I don’t want to.
Because I don’t know if I should
And everyone who ever said what I should do was wrong
and someone I used to be was too.
So instead it’s this. Two brittle visions of myself circle and heckle eachother
One will do this
One will not do this
and somehow I don’t and will
And somewhere in the middle there’s an answer.
Somewhere someone said “You can’t live your life for someone else”
And someone said “Can’t you?”
I found the anchor keeping the ship at the dock and am reeling it in.
But it’s a long rope.
And I know this shore.
Your name lodged in the back of my throat
and I cannot say I know this is love.
I can only say I know my head swims
and my throat hurts
and my eyes burn
and my chest feels torn apart.
Most of all I know this is hyperbolic.
But this is withdrawal.
This is emptying out the poison and processing it in my blood.
You are a member of the chemicals in my system
you exist as liquid in tandem with all the opiates I’ve ever known
You are the drug I cannot seem to understand
but I have quit a thousand times.
In a day I will know this is wrong. That you are dangerous and cruel and distort everything.
But the high?
You LIVE in my skin when I’m near you whether or not you know.
You dive below my surface because the gates are open and I’ve found the open vein to inject you in.
I finally understand this.
You are the opiate of this mass.
But you are just the taste. The free sample. Because the more I take the further from life I become. The further from myself and truth and understanding I get… all while thinking it’s true.
And at the end of the day I don’t know if you’re the darkness or the light.
If I’m the dealer or if you are.
Because once hooked, what then?
When I can’t come back without rehab or intercession by god… what then?
What is the cost of you?
Shadows on a sea floor
White lines in a blue fade
Sun rays obfuscated by waves
Your heart is there under sea lights
Looking at the sky saying how bright it is
But you have no idea
You’re looking at the world saying all is light
But you’re drowning.